Commentary: NBA players rapping almost never works, so why do so many keep trying?

Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Metta World Peace, Kevin Durant, Gary Payton, Brian Shaw, Dana Barros, Dennis Scott, Malik Sealy, Elton Brand, Steve Francis, Isaiah Rider, Tony Parker, Iman Shumpert, Damian Lillard and, of course…Shaq have made rap singles and in some cases, entire albums.

Here, we aim to explore the finer points of 5 additional NBA rappers & their songs that warrant commentary.

#5:  Cedric Ceballos, Flow On from the 1994 album “BBall’s Best Kept Secret” (featuring Warren G)

Surprisingly good.  Yes, he takes the rather obvious approach of weaving basketball into the song and video but he pulls it off.  A graduate of Cal St. Fullerton, Ced spent 10 yrs in the NBA as a player but after retirement was hired by the Phoenix Suns as their in-arena emcee.  CC prob could have had a full career in music if that whole basketball thing didn’t happen.

#4: Joe Smith, Heart of a Lion from the 2009 album “The Beginning”

Surprisingly not awful.  Although not flawlessly executed, Joe scores bonus points for degree of difficulty by choosing such a rapid pace.  This could have gone horribly wrong for him…instead it was just good enough to avoid national ridicule which, frankly, should be the goal of all these guys.

#3:  Chris Webber, Gangsta Gangsta from the 1999 album “2 much drama” (featuring Kurupt)

Not surprisingly, it’s bad. Somewhere between calling a phantom time-out and calling games on TNT, this happened.  Not horrific…but just not for him.  Those flailing arms fail to keep the proper rhythm and he’s talking about babysitters and lettuce and whatnot.  Nice try but thank you for stopping.

#2: Jason Kidd, What the Kidd Did from the 1994 album “BBall’s Best Kept Secret” (featuring Money B)

Predictably awful. The breathy-whisper approach may have worked w/ a few ladies over the years but it’s creeps me out in a rap song.  Secondly, using his last name as a play on words in the song and the title is the most unimaginative move in the history of sound.  We’d all be better off if What the Kidd Did was not rap.

#1: Delonte West, Livin Life Fast from the 2011 album “The Lockout”

Oh boy.  This would be an example of that whole ‘national ridicule’ thing if he were a bit more famous but most casual bball fans only know him as the guy with neck-tats who has OCD and banged LeBron’s mom.  Easily the scariest thing about this…it was just 4 yrs ago. Many of these other mis-guided rap songs/vids can be laughed off as “back in the day” kind of stuff.  Not this one. While high and playing video games at Fuddruckers they thought…hey let’s shoot a rap video.  Really Livin the Fast Life at the arcade bruh.

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UPDATED: 12 best (worst) of Joey Crawford. #11 is new.

Watching Joey Crawford putter up/down the floor during 2015 NBA playoffs inspired me to re-visit his work.  Now attempting the impossible; determining which moments are douchier than others for this angry little troll.  New set of batteries in the douche-meter so here goes:

#12  Down Goes Crawford (Pt 1)

One of the funniest but only scores 5 on the douche-meter.  If he didn’t run like such a douche he would have scored a 0.  He owns some of this.

#11 Down goes Crawford (pt 2)

From 2015 playoffs. This is becoming a bit too common, no?  At what point do we get this guy a walker?  Very funny but only slightly douchey.  Another 5 on the scale.

#10 Joey impersonates Ed Grimley

Also, funny but not overly douchey.  Just a little excessive enthusiasm.  Douche-meter reads 6.

#9 Joey gets in the way…Part I

First rule of officiating is to stay out of the way.  If you’re too old, fat & slow to run your “ref lane assignments” then realize it & jog down while out of bounds.  Douchometer 6.5

#8 Twinkletoes Crawford

Way to make yourself the focal point Jo-Craw.  Your excessive enthusiasm mixed with your douchiness and the result was both funny and cringe-worthy.  Douche score 7.

#7 Joey woke up with a thick hair stretched firmly across his ass

Not sure exactly what Bargnani said, but I’ll bet I’ve said much worse to the checkout lady at the supermarket & she takes it in stride like a champ.  Significantly impacting the game b/c your in a bad mood. Your random irritability earned you 7.3 douche-points on this one, Joe.

#6 Hardo move of the month

This was on pace to be an all time douche move…until he said ‘thank you’ then grabbed his nuts.  That helped keep this one down to a 7.5

#5 Joey gets in the way…Part II

In the Redick one…Joey was just to fat & slow to get out of the way, here he still has enough juice to move but chooses to pirouette off Curry’s hip rather than slow-up.  Big difference leading to an 8 on the douche scores.

#4 Joey ignores video evidence, ejects Taj Gibson w/ flagrant-2

Nothing Joey loves more than determining outcome of NBA games.  Another ref was right on top of this but noooo…Joey has to come puttering in to take over from 40 ft away.  Anyone thinking video replay of Dellavedova’s initial leg-lock causing Gibson’s kick would change Joey’s megalomaniacal mind was mistaken.  Ejecting Taj with a flagrant-2 for a relatively mild response to Dellavedova’s actions is the most Joey Crawford move in the history of Joey Crawford moves. Douche-factor 8.5

#3 Joey piques

Little tense today Joe?  The rod up his ass has a rod up it’s ass.  Ejecting a future HOF’er for laughing on the bench has the douche-o-meter pegging  9.

#2 Hardo move of the year

Just a straight up hardo, asshole, douchebag move berating a mop guy in public.  9.5

#1 The worst

So…if you’re too top-heavy to stop and bump a player out of bounds, just call a foul on the guy nearest you?  Honestly why not just call Billups for a flagrant 1 while you’re at it…he (you) weren’t making a play on the ball.  He literally shoves Jones out of bounds and immediately points to Billups and says ‘you did that’. The pinnacle of incompetent douchiness.  A perfect 10.

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